Welcome back for another tale of Misfiring Mischief. Before I get into it, I want you all to know I’m not a bumbling idiot when it comes to practical jokes. My pranks are actually quite strategic and hilarious, often planned months in advance. Rarely, and I mean RARELY, do they go wrong. But I’ve pulled so many over the years that I’m bound to have a few backfire on me every now and then. And when they do, they’re cataclysmic and definitely worthy of re-telling. Most of them I keep to myself, because people could not possibly believe them. Like this one, which I HAVE to share, whether you believe it or not…
(and of course, names have been changed to protect the not-so innocent)
Thomasville, Georgia 1989
Warning: Use of expletives.
In an attempt to help me get over a deeply wounding heartbreak, my “friend” Samantha suggested I orchestrate and help her execute a prank on someone. She’d known of my antics back when she and I used to date, casually (story for another time and yes, quite hilarious). She was there to comfort me after my painful loss, but you’d be crazy if you thought she was sad to know it was over.
Anyway, after a few minutes of thought, I came up with a fun one we could play in her neck of the woods. I had originally wanted to pull this joke while on a double date with my boy Daryl in the cornfields. I don’t mind using HIS real name. He deserves it. Unfortunately, the date happened before I could plan the shenanigans. Well, I shouldn’t say “unfortunately” because the DATE happened. THAT story, I SHAN’T tell…
After a good day of planning, she and I scheduled to double with her friend Jerry (aka “the mark”) and his girlfriend. I had Samantha bring her cousin Leon in, for whom I provided tattered clothing and some of my zombie “blood kit” accessories to appear crazed and bloodied.
The plan was for us to grab some dinner at Morrison’s Cafe, then head out to the cornfields for some “quality time”. The quality time was Samantha’s idea, since I was single again. Sneaky “heffa” (heifer). Leon was to show up in the fields with a heavy chunk of tree branch (a sharp weapon would be too convenient, cliché and corny) at exactly 9:15 and make guttural sounds before “clubbing” me and Samantha (he would actually strike the ground next to me), who would be out of the car, WITH the keys.
We figured if he parked on the outskirts at 9, he’d have a full 15 minutes to make the 5-minute walk to the spot we had already designated, a week before the planned event. I wasn’t concerned about Jerry doing anything violently heroic because she told me he often talked a big game, but was afraid of his own shadow.
The Day. 9:30 p.m.
I looked at my watch again, wondering where Leon was as Samantha and I made out on the side of the car. I mumbled “this boy is late” through kissing lips as she giggled and whispered, “fine with me”. Heffa
This went on for a few more minutes before I saw the oncoming headlights, which emerged from the side path as the truck came to halt. I half-groaned as I thought to myself, this dude is improvising and gonna blow the joke (I don’t mind creativity on the fly, but it has to maintain consistency with the plan. Prank Rule #28).
“Y’all better get the fuck offa my property before I put one in your narrow asses! I’m sick o’ this shit!”
It sounded like Leon, with the same southern drawl, but a little richer and deeper. Jerry got out of the car and started to walk towards him.
What we hadn’t known at the time, was Jerry’s date told him about the prank, in an attempt to double-cross us and scare Samantha. Jerry was going to run off, trip and supposedly hit his head, with the same fake blood that I gave Leon.
“Look sir”, Jerry began, appearing to be brave. I guess he thought I had changed the original plan. “You’re interrupting me and my time with my girl. You need to go back home, fo’ you get GOT.”
Samantha and I froze in confusion, realizing this was going down incredibly wrong. She made an attempt to speak, but gave out a half-squeak. Before I could say his name, the driver walked in front of his headlights, shotgun in hand, pointed at Jerry.
“You think I’m fucking with you?” he warned angrily, causing Jerry to freeze like Samantha.
“Sir, we’re sorry” I interrupted nervously. “We were just trying to find a private spot. He didn’t mean it. He’s drunk. We’re leaving. We don’t want any trouble.”
“I’m sick o’ this shit. Last week somebody ELSE was here on my property, now you! Folks gonna get shot if this shit continues.”
I wonder who that somebody on his property was. Hmmmm.
I slowly pulled Jerry back to the car, apologizing profusely while promising not to return. Jerry half-slipped and I caught him as he stumbled awkwardly back to the others. When we got in the car, both Samantha and his date were wide-eyed and shaking.
We drove away in silence, wondering where the hell Leon was.
After dropping Jerry and his date off (no surprise that Jerry wanted to be dropped off first, BEFORE his date), Samantha and I ended up at her place, where she called Leon, who was actually at home. After a few moments of yelling and screaming, she hung up and told me that he’d gotten pulled over for speeding. He had procrastinated and found himself behind schedule.
Prank Rule #3: Never be “on time”. Be EARLY.
So we learned that Leon got a speeding ticket and went back home, frustrated. He also demanded that we all pitch in to pay the fine.
Prank Rule #47: Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is irreversible. Once you begin, you may not renege or retreat. As always, should you or any of your prank team members be apprehended or discovered, the Prank Master (me) will disavow any knowledge of your actions.
We later learned that Jerry and his girl broke up because of Jerry’s behavior that night.
We ALSO learned that Jerry HADN’T slipped in manure, which was what we THOUGHT was the smell in the car. He had produced his own….
It was also the reason why he wanted to be dropped of first.
I went back to that man’s property a few days later to apologize again, DURING the day. He laughed so hard when I told him the plan and all that transpired that he allowed Samantha and I to come back a few nights later because it was actually quite a romantic spot.
He also said if I wanted to do it again, to someone else, he’d be a willing participant.
I never took him up on it. I don’t like the smell of hot doodoo, even when the windows are rolled down.
Like what you read? Leave a comment in the box below. And be sure to sign up for the email list at the bottom to receive first notification future posts. You’re not gonna wanna miss some of my other confessions during April Fool’s Month!