You Can Lead A Horse To Water, But Why Bother? (On Giving Advice): National Mentoring Day

Advice, Commentary 7 comments

The Trouble with Advice

Few things are more annoying than unsolicited advice — usually given when one least need it, by someone who least understands the situation.

It’s often ill-timed, usually bad, and typically lands when the person on the receiving end just needs to vent.

Some people process their issues by talking them out, while others just want a sympathetic ear. Every now and then, though, someone genuinely wants a solution — and once you get to know a person, you can usually tell the difference.

The question then becomes: should you even bother giving your “two cents”?
And if you do, will they respect you enough to actually listen?

When People Ask But Don’t Listen

I’m not one to give advice unless I’m asked for it.
And even when I am asked, I still like to confirm —

“Are you sure you want my thoughts on this?”

Not because I doubt my ability to help, but because nine times out of ten, people ask for advice only to ignore it.

So, I can’t help but wonder:

“Why in the hell would you ask me if you’re not going to follow it?”

There’s a funny example in the movie Spice World (yes, I was a Spice Girls fan — I was ready to be that sixth member: Chunky Spice).

Victoria “Posh” Spice asks if her skirt is too high.
They say it’s fine.
So what does she do?
She hikes it up even higher.

That’s advice in a nutshell.

Father Just Might Know Best (Even When You Don’t Want to Hear It)

Take my four sons. Each of them insists he’s a grown man who doesn’t need my help.
They’re in that wonderful phase between their late 20s and early 30s — old enough to know better, young enough to try anyway.

When problems come up, I offer solutions from experience — not to control them, but to spare them a few bruises.

And what do I hear in return?

  • “Times have changed.”
  • “You don’t understand my situation.”
  • “My friend did it this way.”

And then, not long after, I usually get a follow-up call because they realize that:

  • Times may have changed, but the problem hasn’t.
  • I understood the situation better than they thought.
  • Their friend’s way didn’t work, and now they’re in deeper doodoo.
A pixar-like image of a frustrated black man. Arms folded.
Nuthin’ says “I told you so” like my blank stare.

I’m not saying I know everything, but like my father used to remind me:

“Wisdom doesn’t automatically come with age. It comes from experience — and from learning from your mistakes and others.”

That is, if he decided to say anything at all.
Otherwise, his default line was:

“Boy, do what I told you to do before I get my belt!”

A pixar-like image of a frustrated black man. Arms folded.
Nuthin’ used to say, “Boy, you’re an idiot,” like my father’s stare after I’ve screwed up. Twice.

The Repeat Offenders

What really gets me is when someone asks for advice, ignores it, then circles back later to ask for the exact same thing.

Me: “You don’t remember asking me that before?”
Them: “Oh, I did? Didn’t I?”

I have one friend who, every year, asks where to go for free birthday meals.
Every year, I tell him the same thing:

Go online. Visit the website for each favorite restaurant. Sign up for their e-clubs or birthday clubs.

It’s simple. But the following year — without fail — he asks again.

A pixar-like image of a black man with a goofy, unknowing look on his face.
Nuthin’ says “I didn’t listen” like that goofy expression.

…and you guessed it. He didn’t do it.

So, I eventually wrote a blog post with all the restaurant links, just to save everyone the trouble.
Why? Because I got tired of people asking — but do they ever use it?

A pixar-like image of a group of people surrounding a black man. They all need his help, and he's wondering why he keeps helping them.
Nuthin’ says… …oh never mind. Just forget it.

Recipes, Requests, and Regrets

Don’t even get me started on people who ask for my recipes.
I post the pictures, they beg for the details, I share them… and then?

Crickets.

When I finally ask how the dish came out, I hear,

“Oh, I haven’t gotten around to making it yet.”

Hey, I get it — no one’s obligated to cook what I share, and there’s no deadline if they do.
But if you do try it, at least follow the recipe the first time around.
The two people who actually made one of my dishes both decided to change things up with the ingredients — and, well… disaster.

A pixar-like image of a dissatisfied woman who did not make a dish according to the recipe.
Follow the recipe.

But I did my part. I shared it.

When It Really Matters

Last year, one of my son’s friends called about a serious situation — one where both choices had irreversible consequences.

I told him straight:

“No matter what I say, it has to be your decision. You have to live with it.”

Not because I didn’t care.
But because I didn’t want him to depend on my voice more than his own.

In the end, after we carefully reviewed his options and conceivable outcomes, my advice was this:

“Talk to your wife. Pray together. Soul-search the possible outcomes, and agree on what’s best for your family.”

That’s real mentoring — guiding without steering.

And That Brings Us Back to the Horse

In the end, people will always do what they want.
All you can do is offer perspective and step back.

So yeah, you can lead a horse to water, but why bother?
It’s up to them to decide if they want to drink.

And most often — they’ve already decided they want Coke instead.

Like what you read? Leave a comment below or share your own “I told you so” story.
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