If anyone deserves an award (and more important, a raise), it’s people in retail, especially in the fast food industry. Trust me, I’ve been there and as a former fast food (and retail store) employee, I can truly empathize. Whether I was taking an order, preparing food or standing behind someone in line, I’ve seen/heard some of the stupidest things imaginable. Regrettably, the employees are instructed to “endure and accommodate” people who think the word “server” is synonymous with “lackey”.
I guess you can consider this a Pt. 3 to my blog post: “The Customer Is (NOT) Always Right”, so feel free to check that one out. Don’t worry, you can read this one first.
If you’ve ever worked in the food industry, I’m sure you’ll be in fast agreement with my “10 Annoying Things Customers Ask/Do (or BOTH)”. I’ll break them down into two simple transgressions: Questions and Actions.
Warning: I need to get into angry-mode for this one. I’m sorry, Jesus…
1. Question: “What all comes on it?”
Ok, this is a fair question for most because the drive-through menu board does not break items down with a list of ingredients. But when you’re seated at a restaurant with menu in hand, where everything is listed in detail, all the way to the nutritional value and sometimes down to the grade of beef, what farm the animal was raised on, where it studied law…
2. Action: Unprepared To Pay.
“Kenny, what do you mean, unprepared? Do you mean people who go to stores and restaurants without money?” Sometimes, yeah. But I’m talking about others. Let’s talk retail. Ever been in line behind someone at a grocery store who stands and watches the clerk ring up $200-$300 worth of groceries? Then when the total is given, they ask for the amount again, THEN reach into their purse to fish for their checkbook?
Heffa (the ghetto way to pronounce, “heifer”), you could have taken that out the minute you put the last item on the conveyor belt and began filling out the store information! And where the hell is your debit card??
3. Action: Not knowing what you want.
Since we’re talking about standing in line… How about the McDonald’s line that takes forever with problem after complaint after problem? You have to suffer through 15 minutes of outlandish purchasing scenarios until the person in front of you reaches the counter and what does he do? He starts across the menu board, “umming” and “erring” because he can’t figure out what he wants!!!
B**ch, you mean to tell me you’ve been in line all this time and don’t know what you want? And why are you trying to look over every menu item?? The menu hasn’t changed since 1998! Get a Happy Meal and get the hell on!!
4. Question: “Do you work here?”
Answer: No, I put a handkerchief full of chloroform over a random employee’s face, dragged him into the changing room, stole his Target shirt and started hanging up, folding and shelving clothing because I have no life!
Confession: I DID go to Target once, wearing khakis and a red polo shirt and spent a good 30 minutes sending people to the wrong department. Like I said, I have no life…
5. Action: Making phone calls at the register.
Just like the check-bouncing lady at the grocery store, why did you wait to get to the front of the fast food restaurant line to pull your phone out, call whomever and say, “Ok, I’m here. What do you want?” That actually happened to me/us once and everyone in line groaned in unison, of course. No one said anything beyond that because the woman on the phone looked like the late Kimbo Slice. Beard and all.
Go online, look at the menu and make your list THEN! Call them when you first get to the restaurant; be extra courteous and stay OUT of line until you know. You can even have them text you as you drive, just don’t read it until you park. Got it?
6. Action: Returning clothes to shelves.
If you don’t know how to fold clothes, don’t pull 4-5 different colors of the same size off the rack. They all fit the same! I can’t clock out and leave the store because I have to spend an additional hour like I’m in the laundromat, folding laundry because of you!!
7. Action: Non-essential conversations at the register.
Ok, so the salesperson is cute. Now is NOT the time for you to go into standup comedian mode to appear charming. You’re not funny, she’s not interested, it’s hot, I’m late and the man behind me smells like old tarot cards and Jeff Goldblum, marinated in spoiled egg whites! And for those of you NOT sexually attracted to your salesperson, we don’t want to hear about your pet rock with a malignant mole. Stop talkin’ and get to walkin’!
8. Action: Arguing over expired &/or competitor coupons.
You knew damn-well this coupon was expired before you tried to sneak it past the girl at checkout. You also knew this store didn’t take nor match coupons from competitors. You just used $90 in acceptable coupons. Why are you losing your wig over a “20 cents off” slip of paper and demanding to see the manager? It’s hot, I’m late and the man behind me smells like old tarot cards and- WAIT! You mean to tell me this maladorous mongrel is behind me in line, AGAIN? In another store across town? Anyway, here’s a quarter. Haul ass!
9. Question: (Asking the server) “I can’t figure out what I want. What are all/some of the items YOU like?”
Answer: I like to take a big bite out of my burger, add some fries to my mouthful, then take a sip out of my strawberry shake and chew it all up in the same bite. Do you still want my meal suggestions?
Stop asking that question! When it comes to cooking and eating, not even your TWIN has the same culinary commonalities as you. Pick something and let my server move on before you make him forget my order.
10. Action: (Ooooooh. This pisses me off to the highest of “pisstivity”!) Taking all of the same item at the buffet!!!!!
This woman stood in front of me and slowly sifted through and took EVERY fried chicken leg out of the serving tin!!! While she was stirring, I suggested, “ma’am, you might want to take just a few and come back for more later so others can get a leg.” This Betty-White-on-meth-lookin’ old buzzard stopped, looked at me, then went back to her Easter egg hunt as I stared in disgust.
The woman on the opposite side of her (it must have been celebrity look-alike night because she looked amazingly like Jamie Lee Curtis) stared in utter shock at this woman’s inconsiderate behavior. After loading 8 or 9 pieces, Betty turned to walk away and ran right into Jaime Lee who accidentally tipped her plate upward and onto her blouse. Betty shrieked, dropped her plate and called this woman names I’d never heard before as she scurried off to the bathroom, ignoring Jamie’s many apologies. Nearby onlookers gasped while wondering what had just happened as I gave a suspicious side-eye to my clumsy new best friend.
Jaime Lee grabbed a fried thigh and winked at me as she walked away.
“I love you, woman!” I unapologetically proclaimed as she walked away laughing.
…and I thought ‘I’ was the best there was. The king is dead. Love live the queen!
Ok, I’m done. Wow, even though most of the preceding happened over 20 years ago, I feel surprisingly relieved! Hey, blogging CAN be therapeutic!!!
Let me see what and who I can talk about in a future post (and as always, your input is welcome). And don’t forget to sign up for email notification at the bottom so you’ll be among the first to know!
Until next time, have a good day, order from Uber Eats and stay out of my line!