AE-FU -aka- Put Your Mensa Where Your Mouth Is: Another Jr. High “Happening”

One of my many enjoyable memories of Junior High school was an exercise where the teacher had each of us students go to the front of the class and put on a silent re-enactment of what happens in our homes on Report Card Day.

Report Card Day – You know what that is. That wonderful or dreadful (depending on your perspective) day where you took your periodic academic progress report home for your parents to see.

Well, in my little pantomime show I shared a whimsical portrayal of myself opening my credit card and quickly dropping my shoulders in both disappointment and horror. To the class’s amusement, I pretended to walk home at the speed of a human sloth, eventually arriving and handing it to my father…

…and then hopping up and down as his 52-inch leather belt flew through the air with the speed of a lion tamer’s whip at the circus.

Just about all of the other children shared a similar experience, one bringing us all to uproarious laughter by pretending to dodge a flurry of punches and then suddenly fighting back, fists flying wildly before being knocked unconscious. Between the two of us, we were the funniest.

My classmate Sandra brought about a different kind of laughter when she pretended to dance all the way home, eagerly handing over her report card and then holding out her hand as she was given dollar bill after dollar bill for her grand achievement.

Yes, we all have different memories of “judgment day” but in truth, mine were always brought about for the strangest reasons. I’m sure you remember what happened when I got my report card and had to answer for my decision in history class. Well, this ain’t no different.

AE-FU -aka- Put Your Mensa Where Your Mouth Is: Another Jr. High “Happening”

Block Jr. High, East Chicago 1981

In our school system, you received two grades for each class: an Academic and a Citizenship grade. Academic grades listed as A (outstanding), B, C, D and F (absolute failure). Where was the “E” you ask? Well, that was part of the Citizenship grade. In those you received one of three scores:

E = Excellent (a model student, cooperative, quiet)
S = Satisfactory (fair, somewhat distracting, talks a lot)
U = Unsatisfactory (utterly disruptive, often disrespectful, talks too much)

Now one would have thought that the Academic and Citizenship grades ran hand in hand:

• Anyone who gets A’s and B’s is relatively quiet, pays attention and is there to learn, ultimately earning an “E” in citizenship.
• The lower B and C students tend to talk a bit, but not much, just enough to get an “S”.
• And the bad ones? The F students (and some D’s). Well, in most cases, they’re the ones making the most noise; loud and unruly for no reason. Laughing and joking, often talking back to the teacher and, every now and then, getting into fights.

A’s and E’s
F’s and U’s

But there are exceptions to the rule. Every now and then you get students who are silent, but struggling to understand, thus receiving a D or F while getting an E for keeping to themselves. We jokingly called them the “quiet dummies”. God bless the F-E students, they try, but just have trouble.

And then there is, or there WAS, me.

What do I mean? Well, I was that guy quick to do something spontaneously silly, make smart remarks about something the teacher said, throw block erasers at other students, hum loudly while taking a test until being told to shut up. Yeah, I was that kid. And let’s not talk about when I reached high school and got that frog to dissect in high school Biology class, but we’re talking Jr. High right now.

But damn, what a magnifying glass will do. Imagine if I had a firecracker…

So now you understand why I walked that slow walk with that report card in hand.

And now you know why I did the (un)happy dance on many of those occasions.

So, what was the actual conversation like and why exactly was I in so much trouble?
Check this out.

Father (seated, watching television as I entered the living room – God, I hated when he worked the day shift and got home before me):

“Bring it here.”

I walked slowly over, wishing he hadn’t known that the day had come. My brothers in elementary school were already home, having departed elementary school before us. They were both on their beds, holding their butts and moaning along with the other kids throughout the block and the neighborhood.

You would have thought the firstborn of the children of Egypt were dying because no lamb or goat’s blood had been put on the door. Screaming and howling everywhere.

“What is this? WHAT IS THIS, BOY????” he asked, voice angrily elevated.
“Uhhhh, errrr, ummmmmm-” I stammered.
“OH! You can’t find the words NOW, but you’ve got plenty to say in the classroom, hunh? HUNH?!?!?”
“But Dad, Iiiiiiiuuuuuuhhhh…” I fumbled verbally, knowing he was gonna whoop my ass until it glowed.

No, I didn’t fail any of my courses. In fact, I was always an A&B student (again, not including that episode in Mr. Johnson’s class – remember that story?). But try explaining to YOUR father why your last three periods of the day contained the following grades:

A-U
A-U
B-U

No, you can’t explain that, nor could I. In fact, so I stopped trying.

5 minutes later, I joined my two brothers in the room as I held my butt cheeks and moaned right along with them for the next hour or so.

And once again, there was no need to turn the light switch on to see that night…

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