Columbus, Ohio 2001
“You do know it’s a love story, right?” my wife asked after I told her I was going to see Twilight with my friend, Juan. That question seemed to be the running response, every time I told someone I was going to see the movie that everyone knew about, except me. Even my sons asked that same question, obviously one up on my buddy and me.
“ALL vampire movies are love stories,” I replied flatly. “Every vampire has some woman he’s trying to get with. If it ain’t the bloodsucker, it’s the hero, who’s trying to keep his woman safe FROM the vampire.”
“Does Juan know what that movie’s about?”
“Apparently he must if he asked me to go with him.”
Juan was my work buddy. Well, not from my job, but he worked for a company that serviced mine in 2001. We hit it off immediately and became good friends with a common love for “old school” R&B music and movies, particularly movies for the manly man aka “testosterone flicks”.
When I followed up with Juan, his answer was pretty much the same as mine.
“Dude, it’s a vampire flick,” he confirmed. “Blood and guts. Everybody knows that. That’s why we’re going.”
Good enough for me.
Movie night.
During the week leading up to the night, Juan sustained a bad knee injury, resulting in the need for crutches. But that didn’t stop him from going forward with our “Dude’s Night Out”. In fact, he arrived at the theater before I did, even though it was only 2 miles from my house, and he lived clear across town. I arrived about 15 minutes early, but shortly after him. Being early was our thing unless we were getting something to eat before the show.
As I purchased my ticket, I spotted him in the distance at the front of the line at the concession stand. He was being handed two large buckets of popcorn (because dudes don’t share) and two large drink cups. But despite his muscular frame and looks that made the ladies do double-takes, he insisted on catching people off guard with his antics. He playfully looked up at me and, in a very effeminate voice, yelled, “Kinneeeeeeeee!”
Not one to be outdone, I waved with both hands extended and elbows locked, reaching forward and rocking my hands in a wiping motion as I replied, “Hey GIRLLLLLLLLL!”
Neither of us feared negative attention from others, as we often made our he-man lifestyles known by the way we teasingly talked to the beautiful women around us. Both of us being married, we knew our limits and our wives knew of our activity. But this wasn’t that “hide your wedding ring” kind of life.
A few people chuckled as I walked over and picked up the food and drink carrier, him being on crutches. And yes, I know that humor like that is not at all received well in this day and age, despite our harmless intent. Note the year. We’ve definitely come a long way as a society, so please know that the retelling of this story is with the highest respect to any and all orientations and lifestyles.
Entering the theater, we found it surprisingly filled nearly to capacity. Unlike our usual positioning in the upper middle section, we had to settle for a spot nearer to the bottom. As we entered the aisle, three people got up, grabbed their coats and food, and ran out of the aisle towards the back to hug and kiss others who appeared to be their friends. That allowed us to take the two seats in the middle.
It was a matter of moments before that third seat was filled, as were all the others in our area. We were forced to fill that space between us; the space that “dudes” usually leave for the imaginary third party.
“Packed house tonight,” I whispered objectively as he nodded and hummed in agreement.
“I hope all these youngsters in here know what they’re about to get into.”
“Yeah, this generation don’t realize how bad these movies can get. And you know their parents don’t care.”
I looked around at the moviegoers in the few rows beneath me before glancing to our left and right.
“Are we in the right theater?” I asked.
“Yeah, why do you ask?”
I don’t think there’s a single male in here. Or anyone over 18 besides US!
Juan looked at the rows below before we both turned our heads around to see everyone behind us, just as the house lights dimmed.
Nothing but teenage girls.
“This CAN’T be the right place!” I whispered loudly while trying to be respectful to others in the vicinity.
“This IS the right place.”
90 minutes later…
Enduring scene after scene of talks about animosity between families, setups for a love triangle & vampires who do nothing but skip along branches in trees and turn into sparkling diamonds in the sun, Juan and I looked at each other in both boredom and disgust. Not that I’m dogging the movie, but it was not at all what we thought.
Not one person had been killed in all that time. We had spent our time running our fingers along the inside of our popcorn buckets, scooping out residual popcorn oil and licking it off alternating fingers for entertainment. We would have walked out, but being the “dudes” that we were, quitting was not an option. Even though we were at wit’s end, having to listen to the surrounding never-ending chorus of oohs and ahhs, along with some purring throughout the audience.
It seemed our patience was finally going to reward our bloodlust when the movie reached the infamous baseball scene: The vampire family decided to play a supernatural game of baseball in a remote area, only to have it interrupted by three potentially dangerous bloodsucking strangers, each of whom was unaware that a human stood amidst the family members.
Juan and I sat up in sudden interest. As the three unwelcome newcomers decided to leave, the wind shifted, revealing the scent of our warm-blooded damsel Bella, who had up until this time been downwind. Detecting the change in atmosphere, the most aggressive of the intruding trio paused, turned, and excitedly muttered, “You brought a SNACK!”
As both groups converged, crouching into attack and defensive battle positions, Juan and I leaned forward as he bellowed excitedly, “Awwwww shit!”
“Here we go!” I shouted as well.
The tension rapidly peaked, only to be quelled as the leader of the family stated authoritatively, “The girl is with us. I think it best if you leave.”
The opposing leader’s response: “I can see the game is over. We’ll go now… “
The elder then directs to Edward, the movie’s protagonist, “Get Bella out of here. Go…”
As the crowd of nervous girls expelled a collective sigh of relief, Juan and I frustratingly howled, “What the F—???”
We both returned to our popcorn oil-wiping postures as a mild chase ensued with the troublemaker pursuing the SUV, ending unsuccessfully.
The movie glittered on until it reached its underwhelming climax, where we finally got a dash of violence, but nowhere near enough to satiate our thirst.
“I TOLD you it was a romance!” my wife I-told-you-so’d after Juan and I complained back at the house about what we had witnessed. She and my kids got an even bigger laugh as we recalled the events that led up to the movie: Juan and I, greeting each other as a dating couple, then me, carrying the food. That alone made Juan scream in reflective anger, “You carried the food… That made me the GIRL!”
They all laughed in unison as we described the demographic and how ridiculous we looked, two large-framed black men in a sea of predominately young teenage Caucasian girls.
“Well, since you paid for the popcorn, I think that made ME the girl,” I comforted teasingly.
“No,” he clarified. “Couples today don’t always have expectations about who pays, even though it’s mostly the guy.”
“Soooo, who kisses who goodnight?” I asked as my family continued laughing.
“And you know I’m telling ALL the fellas,” my wife chuckled as I accepted silently. There was no way this wasn’t going to get out among them. Besides, I still had to tell my co-workers, who had all issued that similar warning about it being a love story.
In our defense, a vampire movie is supposed to be full of biting, blood, and in today’s cinematic society, much slashing of flesh and dismemberment.
Just not this night. Not this night.
Epilogue:
Columbus, Ohio, 2009 (8 years later)
My buddy Juan and I sat in the movie theater with one space between us, as boorish cavemen do. That is, until the theater filled with young movie-goers and fans of the first movie, causing us to sit directly next to each other yet again. We talked about Twilight (Pt. 1) and what we remembered before the house lights dimmed to show the pre-movie trailers before our feature presentation…
Twilight: New Moon
You see, as angry as we were about the disappointment of a non-violent vampire movie, we had already seen the first one. Now there was a sequel, the second of what would be a 5-movie saga.
And dudes must finish the series.
Which we did.
Sparkling vampires and all…
So yeah, we were indeed “twinning by twilight”.
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Lol 🤣🤣🤣
Nisha
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I’m so uncool. LOL
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