It was 1993, not too long after my first son had been born. I was enjoying one of my monthly long-distance conversations with my father. We had been talking about some of my experiences with my baby boy and how he did things when I was this age. I eventually asked if he had taught me everything he knew at this point. After a minor pause on the other end, he told me that he had not taught me everything. Only the things that I needed to know.
I wasn’t sure how to feel about his response. Had I been cheated out of a full father-son education, or was there more to come from him on the horizon, over time?
I realize now that what he meant was that he had given me the necessary tools. He had taught me what I needed at the start of my journey as a boy, a young man, and eventually, as a new father. The remainder of it had to be acquired through experience. He was no longer there to teach me. He was now there to serve in a capacity as my guide.
Kind of like Marlon Brando as Vito Corleone in The Godfather, after he passed down the title of “Don” to his son Michael. Michael had been placed in charge of the Corleone family affairs and asked his father to replace Tom Hagan as Consigliere, or guide / chief advisor. For you Game of Thrones fans, that would be synonymous with Tywin Lannister’s role as Hand of the King.
As time passed, it made more and more sense because whenever I needed advice or assistance, he always asked me what my plans were and why. He never challenged me and never judged me. He offered suggestions, sometimes seeing things differently, but only if he felt, I truly needed them. Sometimes, he even let me make the mistakes that would become teachable moments, as long as I could successfully recover from them.
Thankfully, he helped me think about my choices and the possible consequences, whether good or bad, to prevent those repercussions. But what he encouraged most at this point was confidence in my decisions. Thinking out my choices and not second-guessing myself. Not looking back. More importantly, never cower down or make excuses.
Today, it makes even more sense. You see, at this point, I’ve taught my children what they need to know to get them through life. At this age, they’re still hard-headed and can’t be told anything, much like when they were teenagers, like I was. Only now it’s on them to decide if what I taught them applies to their lives. These are the “You were right, Dad” days.
Even if they will never admit it. Hell, half of the time, I didn’t.
My job was to make sure they had the foundation in place. From here on out, it’s all about providing guidance, should they ask for it. Sometimes, I might even offer some unsolicited advice, but in the end, it’s their call. I just know to be there, before, after, and always.
And that’s what I’d like to share with you all today.
There comes a point when you stop being a father in the traditional sense and you become a guide, even a friend. That’s when things become really cool, talking to them like an old buddy. Don’t get me wrong, you will always be their father, and they must always respect you as such.
But now you’re both adults, who hopefully see the world through similar eyes (not including the prescription), even though yours will always be more experienced. And trust me, that wisdom comes in handy because now you’ve got a new role: Grandfather!
Yes, this message is a little different than my usual tale of yesteryear and the great man who was my greatest hero. Today, I thank him for his sacrifices, love, protection, and instruction, getting me ready. I won’t say that I’ve been a total success, but I damn sure am not a failure.
I’m two years in as “Gwampa” to two beautiful little children, and I’m loving every part of this job so far.
Just thought I’d share some advice for those of you who are new fathers, but also for those of you who are now watching YOUR sons become fathers.
They are the new Kings, and we are the Hands.
Be there for them. They will always need you, whether or not they know it or even care to admit it.
Be there for them. But give them the freedom to learn as they go.
Happy Father’s Day
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