Today is National Joke Day.
Now, I’ve heard—and told—more jokes over the years than I could possibly remember. Some were clean. Some were dirty. Some were so stupid that the stupidity itself was what made them funny.
But there’s one joke I’ve probably told more than any other. In fact, I know I have.
I don’t remember where I first heard it. I’ll never know who originally wrote it. And like most jokes that have been passed around for years, I’m pretty sure I’ve added my own little touches to it along the way.
So, in honor of National Tell A Joke Day, here’s my favorite joke of all time.
And because each of the characters can be anybody you want them to be, I’m even going to let you help tell it.
Let’s get to it, shall we? And don’t worry. This one is Rated PG.
Heaven Will Wait
Three men were killed together in a terrible accident and suddenly found themselves standing at the gates of Heaven.
St. Peter looked at the three men, looked down at his records, and then looked back at them.
“Well, gentlemen, we have a problem.”
Naturally, that wasn’t exactly what they expected to hear at the gates of Heaven.
St. Peter explained that all three of them had died prematurely. Their names were indeed in the Book of Life, and each of them had already secured his place in Heaven—but none of them was actually supposed to be there yet—the soonest being at least another 30 years away.
“So what happens now?” one of the men asked.
“You have to return to Earth,” St. Peter told them.
One of the men immediately brightened up.
“Wait a minute! You mean I get to go back? Oh, this is great! Send me back as a millionaire! I can’t wait to spend that money and throw my wealth in everybody’s face!”
“No,” St. Peter said.
“Okay, fine. Just send me back as myself, in perfect shape.”
“No.”
The man frowned. “Why not?”
“Because you’ve already secured your place here. If I send you back as a human being, you’ll have free will. You could make choices that change the course of your life—and possibly jeopardize your place in Heaven. We can’t take that chance.”
“So what are we supposed to come back as?”
“Anything you want,” St. Peter said, “as long as it’s not human. You may return as an animal or maybe an inanimate object. But understand something before you choose: whatever you become is what you will remain until the predetermined time when you were originally supposed to die. At that point, you’ll return here.”
Well, that changed things.
St. Peter led the three men to a long platform with a bright red line painted across the end.
“Here’s how it works. Take a running start. When you reach that red line, jump. While you’re in the air, yell out what you want to become. The instant you say it—POOF!—that’s what you’ll be.”
The first man thought about it.
“I know exactly what I want to be.”
He backed up, took a running start, reached the red line and leaped into the air.
“AN EAGLE!”
POOF!
He became a magnificent eagle, spread his enormous wings and gracefully soared back toward Earth.
The second man stepped forward. He thought for a moment. Then he smiled.
“I’ve got mine.”
He backed up, came charging toward the red line, jumped and yelled:
“A WATER BUFFALO!”
POOF!
Suddenly, there was a full-grown water buffalo plummeting toward Earth.
Of course, the water buffalo went speeding past the eagle on the way down.
The eagle looked over like, What the hell?!
Now there was only one man left.
We’ll call him…______________________________.
Go ahead. Put anybody you want in that blank.
I’ll wait.
Got somebody? Good. I’m not judging.
Anyway…
The third man decided that whatever he was going to become, he wanted to make absolutely certain he got this right.
So he backed WAY up. He took a deep breath. And then he started running.
Faster…faster…reaching full speed in no time, charging toward that red line with everything he had.
And just before he reached the line, his toe caught on the ground.
He stumbled, arms flailing as he desperately tried to regain his balance.
And as he went tumbling across the red line, he yelled:
“Ohhh, SHI—POOF!”
Happy National Joke Day!
And if you filled in that blank with somebody you know personally…
That’s between you and God. 😂
So what did you think? It’s funnier when I actually tell it and drop to the ground, motionless, on my side on that last “poof,” but I’m too old to do that these days. Too hard to get back up.
Anyway, got a joke to share? Leave one in the comments section below. And be sure to subscribe below (it’s free!) to receive email notifications whenever I publish a new post from Kenny’s Camera, Cooking & Crazy Confessions at ZootsBlogSpot!
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