Back in 2012, I started my “…and now, a Message From Us Grown Folk” series on Facebook, trying to give these clueless “yung’uns” some kind of awareness about life, because they too often exhibited the lack of it. It was well received, as people admitted to finding almost every post applicable to their respective situations. Some were written out of frustration &/or disbelief at things my boys did, some based on things I heard about their classmates or worse, saw in the news or on the internet. Embarrasingly enough, few posts were inspired by some of the madness my friends and I created back in the 80s. We’re all guilty on some level because hey, we were all kids at some point.
Let’s get started, shall we?
…annnnnnnd NOW, a Message From “Us Grown Folk”:
Young’uns-
The new school year has begun…
As your mother tearfully hands you that brown paper bag with your sandwich, chips and snack cake, I’m sure you feel the pain you see in her face as she hugs and kisses you, knowing her darling baby(ies) are exiting the home, leaving her all alone for 8 harrowing hours.
Wait. Stop.
I’m sorry. I can’t even type this with a straight face… …change-up… …starting again…
Message from us grown folk, Take 2 (CLAP!)
Young’uns!
Let me get raw with you demon-spawned miscreants…
When you get home from school, grab the movie “The Wiz” off of the DVD rack, pop it in, go to the menu and pull up “Scene Selections”. If you don’t have it, google the following. Go to the end, when they’re performing “Everybody Rejoice (Can You Feel A Brand New Day)” and watch the dancing and celebration, CLOSELY. Yeah, that’s what your parents did today. Hell, I was at work doing cartwheels in the middle of a factory, and I’m the SAFETY DIRECTOR!
We are soooooo happy that you lazy, complaining, butt-funky, non-cleaning, ever-eating, grandparent hip-fracturing, furniture-breaking, animal-torturing, curtain-burning, table-scratching, vegetable-regurgitating, toilet-clogging, headache-inducing, sleep-depriving locusts are out of the house! And that look of pain I referenced earlier? That only happens when you RETURN! We love you, but we don’t LIKE you (and we never WILL, as long as you live here)!
Please note… there will be one MORE look of anguish, but I promise it won’t come from us:
Mess around and come home with a bad note from the teacher this year. See if we don’t get some upper-body cardio in, particularly in one arm (the other will be the stabilizing arm, holding you still).
You figure it out.
We went through it in this house from 1997 – 2017.
30 (censored) YEARS!!!
So trust me as I say all of this because I’m speaking from experience.
And one last thing: If you think we missed the fact you didn’t get one stomach ache all summer long, you’re wrong. Watch and see what happens when you claim you have one in the next 9 months.
…here endeth the lesson.
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