Dear Spoilers: You Saw It First. Great. Now Shut Up!

So the epic finale hit the big screen and people flocked to theaters to see “Avengers: Endgame”.  When the tickets were first made available online, sites crashed within mere minutes of opening. I’m still flabbergasted, knowing that someone reportedly paid $15,000 to see it on opening night.  I’m also shaking my head and laughing because my son works at the movie theater and four of us only paid $1 each to see it the following day.

Dang, I could have made some serious money…

Was it everything I expected? Yup.  More than I’d hoped it would be? Absolutely.  Exciting? Yes. Funny? Of course.  Well-choreographed (fight scenes)? Indeed. Cool special effects? Dude. Expertly written? Oh, you know it.  It was, to me, easily the greatest super-hero movie ever made.  I’m especially pleased because I read the “Infinity Gauntlet” and “Infinity War” comic book series back in the 90s and I thought it was an awesome recreation of the original story lines.  And I’ll stop there.

You see, what I won’t tell you is the kind of stuff that pisses people off, myself included.  Phrases like (and this is, in no way, in reference to this movie):

“So-and-so is gonna show out!”

“You’ll never guess who comes back in this movie to save the day!”

“Oh, it’s gonna make you cry at the end.”

“It’s gonna make you mad at the end.”

“Well, it’s clear that so-and-so won’t be back for a sequel!” (The Tom Joyner Morning Show is quick to mention that someone dies in a movie and that’s why I change the station whenever they interview or give a critique.  Are you listening Tom? Sybil Wilkes?)

“It’s got a twist ending.” (Cable TV’s Audience Channel is notorious for that)

“I’m not gonna say anything, but just remember, BABY OIL!” (Yes, it’s one of the most talked about scenes from 2007’s “This Christmas”, but I didn’t enjoy it because I spent the movie waiting to see what this idiot spoke in reference to.  Sadly, I didn’t laugh as a result.  Get my point?)

For the record, the general consensus for spoilers (statute of limitations) is as follows:

  • Movies – 1-6 months, depending on the popularity.
  • Book, Video Game or Television Series ending wrap-up – Never (SHUT UP!)
  • Television Episode – At least through the end of the current season.

So if you have a problem with me referencing “This Christmas”, please remember that you’ve had 12 years to watch it! 

Aaaaaaaanywaaaaay…

Whether you’ve seen a movie opening night or opening week, I’m happy for you.  You’re among the first to enjoy all that a movie has/had to offer.  You were witness to the many plot twits, surprise endings, emotional roller coaster moments, cameo appearances, torture porn and any other wild scenes that will be talked about for ages.  But here’s the thing.  Every single moment was a complete surprise to you and you enjoyed each one to the fullest.  Didn’t that make for an awesome movie experience?

Now let me ask: What kind of representative of the seedy underbelly of society would turn around and deprive others of the same joy? Why do you think it’s funny to say something that would have pissed you off if you had heard it from someone else before seeing the movie?

If you read my blog post, “10 Reasons Why This World Could Use An Enema“, you remember my position on theater conduct and how it’s perceived by others.  One of my biggest pet peeves in a theater is when someone says, “OOH – watch this part!” Gee, thanks.  I had no idea that something was about to happen.  Let me thank you for sparing me the heart-attack, shriek or laugh, associated with the coming scene, you corroded mudflap.

Even my father was guilty of that.  He used to call us in the living room when one of his favorite movies was on.  Yes, we had no choice but to watch when summoned.  But you weren’t seated a good 30 seconds before he’d start with, “See this big-legged broad here? (Yeah, he used to say that) You gotta watch her because she’s gon’ become a vampire at the end, but you won’t know until after…”

JESUS CHRIST, DAD!!!!”  

Well, I thought it, but never said it.  Yeah, he was the original spoiler in my life, God rest his soul.  I’ll never forget the day he told me half of the movie before I silently got up after about 5 minutes and left the room.  After a few minutes he asked where I’d gone.  I told him that I didn’t need to see it because he’d already told me what happened.  My little moment of defiance didn’t end well, believe you-me.

Back to my rant…

It gets worse.  Now, with the internet, we all have access to world-WIDE comments about what we’ve seen and now the fad is the creation of memes to remind (or inform) you of memorable moments.  Not only is this unfunny, but it is incredibly evil because these pop up on our timelines without warning or the ability to prevent or avoid them.  I don’t care if some of them require the intelligence it takes to navigate through an Escape Room to figure them out.  WE DON’T NEED INFORMATION!!!

Let me say it again, it’s cruel and unfunny and the people that don’t have the good fortune of early viewing don’t deserve that.  Have the decency to shut your *censored* mouth and simply say that you really enjoyed the movie.  If you want to talk about it online, offer for people to contact you in your DM, or private inbox or whatever.  Hell, have them call you.  Give others the opportunity to experience the magic in every scene, just as you did.  Failing to do so only makes you popular in the worst way among your family, friends and followers.  It’s not cool.  Please stop thinking that it is.

And to the man that got his ass whooped outside the theater in Hong Kong for yelling out spoilers while leaving the theater? Qímiào!!!! (Chinese for “Fantastic”) Hallelujah and Season’s Beatings!!!

No, I don’t advocate violence and no, it ain’t that serious, but please allow the ghetto side of me to say that I hope he’s still feeling every blow.

So for those of you that haven’t seen the latest movies, please do your best to steer clear of social media because my post will not encourage these glue-sniffers to take their posts down.  Nor will it prevent your co-workers from saying the wrong thing.  Just be quick to scroll down or tell people, “I DON’T WANNA HEAR IT! We can talk after I’ve seen it!” 

And be patient with me friends.  I know you all told me that I would love “Game Of Thrones” and yes, it is clearly my kind of show.  But I’m just now on Season 1 and it’s nobody’s fault but my own, but hey, I watch a LOT of shows and this one fell through the cracks.  I’ll do my best to click away from all this talk about some winter fight in the final season and hope it’s all died down by the time I catch up.

But I’ll get there, in time…

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