For today’s Top 10 list, I want to get vehicular. I mean, literally takin’ it to the streets (anybody humming The Doobie Brothers?). I’d like to talk about some of the ridiculous driving behaviors that bring about wrath with a quickness. I’m talking about the kind that makes you want to follow someone all the way home and… …well… …you know.
So let’s get into some Internet Interstate Insanity, with a little help from Tracie Thoms (warning, pictures serve as movie spoilers from “Deathproof”, but since that was 2007, I’ve more than exceeded the 5-year statute of limitations for movies – so HUSH).
10 Road Rage Rationalizations
1. Littering while driving. Every 2 to 3 weeks, there’s a pile of scattered trash in my neighborhood on my way to the highway. I’m sure it’s the same bottom feeder every time and I hope the guilty party gets caught by the police and back-charged for every unsolved incident in the past! I HATE highway/road litterbugs! I’ll never forget the day I was riding behind a car on the highway and noticed this fireworks explosion of airborne liquid that landed on my windshield. This punk mutha- (you know the rest) threw his drink out of his window!!! I sped up alongside him and gestured towards my windshield. Don’t you know this corroded mudflap of a human being made an “oops” face while shrugging his shoulders, then started LAUGHING? I slowed down, then circled back around to his right side and threw my vanilla shake THROUGH his passenger side window.
Satisfying? Not really. I lost my shake. I was praying he’d do something, but no. He got off on the next exit, undoubtedly to clean the drink off of himself.
Sorry, Jesus. Satan won that round.
2. Bobbing and weaving. Some drivers are like kids, scampering to the cafeteria line. Is it really necessary for you to navigate through traffic like a pinball, ricocheting between bumpers down the ramp? Wherever it is you’re going, the place will still be there when you arrive. And if you’re running late, don’t put others at risk because you poorly planned your schedule or went lazily about it. If you had any idea how many accidents are caused by… No, let me continue. I’ll leave the stats to the DOT. Suffice it to say, if you’re doing it for fun, stop. Just stop.
3. Texting while driving. I have this excellent training video called, “Driven To Distraction” that teaches the dangers of engaging in activity that can lead to accidents. Texting is my favorite topic, as well as the most irritating. Here’s some simple math for you easily distracted cretins: If you’re driving through a residential area at 25 mph, that’s 36.7 fps (feet per second). Just two seconds of glancing at a text can advance your vehicle 70+ feet. Can’t visualize that? Think 12 yards, on a football field. Now add reaction and stop time after you hit that brake for the child/animal in your path. What if you’re driving on a rain-slick road? Will you stop in time? Now, if you’re on the highway, 70 mph = 102.7 fps. 3 seconds is a doggone football field! What happens when you try to stop THEN? Get off the damn PHONE! If I get rear-ended at an intersection and see you in the rearview mirror, putting your cell phone down, I PROMISE you, that’s your ass! (sorry, I’m in ghetto-mode now)
4. Texting/Reading at intersections. Ooooooh, do you want to get me apocalyptic-ally unapologetically apoplectic with rage? Be in front of me in the turning lane at a red light and start reading and texting on your phone. News flash: you WILL miss the signal change, prompting people behind you to honk their horns. What happens next? Everyone behind you gets delayed and I (always ME) end up the one getting caught at the red light because you held up everybody else!!! I swear, if I manage to catch you further down the road…
Wait. Let me stop. Putting anything in print automatically guarantees a charge of premeditated murder.
5. While we’re “in” intersections, what about running red lights? Anyone with traffic sense knows that there is a time-delay between a light turning red and the adjacent light turning green. This is to protect people from driving out into intersections and getting bulldozed from the side by someone who tried to beat the red. Believe it or not people, yellow does not mean “speed up”. It means prepare to stop, but to be safest, stop. I know that no one actually does it and to them, yellow is just an antecedent to floor it, but trust me, it ain’t safe.
6. Following the leader. Same as crossing traffic in the aforementioned point, but this time, it’s all of those people who WEREN’T in the intersection, CLEARING the intersection to turn. You know DAMN well you weren’t in the intersection, so why am I seeing 6 or 7 cars still turning the corner after the light has changed? And where are the cops during all of this? You all got me for making a “rolling stop” at a stop sign, but you can’t do anything about the 10-car caterpillar turning on a red? If you people truly knew what I was plotting in my wicked mind as I watched you pass…
7. Staring while turning. Since I’m already stuck in the intersection, let’s cover one more thing. If you’re turning at the intersection, don’t stare at me while you creep along your turn. Move your ass! Nothing to see here!! On second thought, go ahead and stare, if you’re fine as wine and feeling me.
8. Merging into one lane. You’ve known for the past two miles that the lanes were merging for construction. You had ample opportunity to get over. Don’t creep your ass all the way to the front and attempt to get over. I swear, if I have anything to say about it, you’ll sit there, stuck, watching 80 cars pass by fast enough to keep you from merging. ’nuff said.
9. Merging into traffic. When and if you’re entering the highway, please note that the speed you were going is NOT the speed the people on the highway are already driving. Chances are, you’re going from 35 to 70. Please make it a point to ac-ce-ler-ate and match our speed by the time you join the party. If you pop out in front of me doing 40, you won’t like how it all ends.
10. Last, but not least, TAILGATING! UGGGGGHHH!! 3-second rule, people (and even more during rain, ice and snow)!!! Is it really necessary for you to ride my bumper at 70 mph? If you want to go around me, go around! And worse, if you’re going to change lanes, don’t speed all the way up to a car just to change lanes when you’re damn-near IN their back seat. The lane you want to enter was clear the entire time. You could have switched, half a mile ago! One day, you’re going to ride up to someone’s bumper and, just when you try to change lanes, fail to see that the car ahead had to slow down or break for something on the road ahead. Because you’re dumb ass is looking at the lane you want to enter, you’ll miss the brake lights or the vehicle slowing/stopping and run right into them.
In conclusion, don’t look so surprised when people intentionally rear-end you out of frustration or worse, start shooting or follow you home and beat the baby poop out of you. I don’t condone violence, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t willing to lay hands on folks for stupidity, inconsideration or neglect while driving.
You are NOT the only person on the road!
So if any of you Crash Test Dummies put me or mine at risk because you don’t understand or ignore the importance of driving responsibly…
…well, you know…
…Don’t look so surprised.
Woosahhhh, buttermilk biyatch.
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