Zoot’s Facebook Policy for 2020: Don’t Say You Weren’t Warned (not to be taken seriously)

I’ve been on Facebook for 10+ years and have seen some strange things along the way: Arguments, birth videos, funeral pics, public requests for divorce, inadvertent posting of what should have been private sexual exchanges, etc. You name it, you all have done it. But one thing that never seems to end is the lack of Facebook Etiquette displayed by waaaaaay too many people. I don’t know if it’s the result of ignorance or apathy, but either way, I ain’t havin’ it anymore come January.

So, here is my official Facebook Policy for 2020 which is applicable to any and everyone I’m connected with on Facebook (FB). Failure to comply may result in blocking, unfriending, violent house visits or calls to the local authorities.

Zoot’s Facebook Policy (Effective January 1, 2020):
[Remember, not to be taken seriously. Or maybe it is..]

1. Friend Requests – If you have unfriended me for any reason, any and all requests to “re-friend” me will be subject to a pre-screening, a phone interview and $50 reconnection fee.  CashApp ID $Zoot580. I don’t do “on again – off again”.
2. Multiple Account Friend Requests – If you have a FB account and we are connected, I can understand if you lose your password and have to create a duplicate.  Any accounts exceeding two identities will require a phone call from you to confirm it is not a spam account.  In addition, you will be required to give me your password for safekeeping (because you can’t seem to remember anything) as well as a $25 Walmart Gift Card for my inconvenience. While we’re at it, send me your social security number and banking information and passwords. If I’m to look after your best interests, why half-ass it?
3. Migration Friend Requests – If we are/were connected on Twitter or Instagram (IG) and you have found your way to my page via electronic suggestion, please remember and respect that this (FB) is a family channel.  It ain’t that kind of party in here.  Act accordingly.  I’m wearing my gospel choir robe in here and my Aunt Tilda is reading…
4. Facebook Messenger Activity –
   A) Don’t send me porn or personal nudes.  I’m over 50 now and don’t need to see anything I’m too fat or old to handle.  Besides, I have blurred vision and can’t see half of it and if I could, I’d be on Boowdy.com instead of dictating while my secretary types this right now.
   B) Don’t “Poke” me.  If you want my attention, do more than press that icon.  Double your effort and hit TWO keys: “H” and “i”. And don’t wave at me, either. I see you.  Besides, I don’t like the idea of being poked.  I grew up walking through gang territory to see my girl. Poking, for me, involves a serrated knife.
   C) Don’t send me promises that God will bless me if I “pass this on”.  If He wants to bless me, He will.  Don’t go speaking on his behalf with something that isn’t in the bible.  Besides, if I DO pass your post on and I don’t receive anything, I’m taking you to court to have a judge make YOU responsible for payment not received.
   D) Tagging: This section has been omitted due to Facebook’s new Pre-Approve function that allows you to accept or deny being tagged in someone else’s post.  I’m glad too because if you remember, I wrote an entire blog called “Don’t Tag Me, I Don’t Want To Play”.
   E) If I don’t know you and you sent me a friend request because we have a friend in common, we are not friends.  You are following my activity for a probationary period.  You are granted personal friendship after gifts of tribute have been sent to my CashApp.  ID – $Zoot580.  Questioning or criticizing my posts will get you cursed out publicly, unfollowed and blocked.  Please read the section on “refriending” and see my CashApp ID for further action.
5. Activity (Professional) – If you are my co-worker and send me a friend request, please remember that I represent management and you’re posting vacation photos after calling in sick.  Don’t make me the bad guy.  Please avoid disciliplinary action.  CashApp ID – $Zoot580.

…and that’s it!

That is Zoot’s Facebook Policy for 2020. Be advised that these rules are subject to change without warning and at any time. And remember, you can be unfriended for any reason, particularly professional sports team affiliation. But more likely than not, because you didn’t send me any money to my CashApp.

Once again, that ID is $Zoot580. That’s $Zoot580.

Operators are standing by…