I quickly stand and turn in the waiting room.
“That’s me,” I reply.
“We’ve checked your car and… …well…”
“It’s not good.”
“Give it to me straight.”
“All four tires are bad. They’re beyond repair.”
“Dear God, no…”
“…and your brakes-“
“No, please, JESUS. Not the brakes.”
“Yeah, they’re done. And you’re gonna need new spark plugs… …and a new steering wheel… …and new floor mats. We can’t get the twinkie filling out of the fabric.”
Stumbles backwards into the arms of one of the mechanics.
“I can’t take this.”
“Mr. Davis, you’re gonna need a new music system. Yours is damaged from all of the outdated music you’ve been playing.”
“No one said playing old school music would cause this!”
“It happens all the time.”
Drops to knees.
“Father. Help me!”
“…and your air freshener, hanging from the rear view mirror. It stopped working years ago. Your interior smells like pumpkin pie and hot butt.”
“Nobody in my house eats pumpkin pie!!”
“That’s not pie? Oh dear. This is worse than I thought.”
“How could this happen!! How much is this gonna cost?”
“Before I tell you, please know that our chaplain is also our account manager, who can set you up for financing…”
“I ONLY BROUGHT IT IN BECAUSE IT NEEDED AN OIL CHAAAANNNGGGE!!!!”
“I’m sorry. There’s nothing else we can do…”