I’ve watched a lot of movies over the years and in these movies, I’ve seen a lot of characters that just make my soul cringe with their antics. By that, I mean they so easily fit the term, “a waste of skin”. Whether it’s their stupidity, underhandedness or straight up cowardice, some people make you glad they don’t exist in real life because you might choke them in public for being so pitiful. True, some are based on real people, but thanks to an embellished script or an over-the-top performance, we often walk away with a picture in our heads that would make the real person livid by their portrayal. Just ask the real life descendants of Ike Clanton from “Tombstone”, who looked more like The Cowardly Lion from “The Wizard Of Oz”.
Then you’ve got characters like Grima Wormtongue of “Lord Of The Rings: Return Of The King”, Jonathan of “The Mummy”, Ike Turner of “Tina”, Private Gomer Pyle of “Full Metal Jacket” and the list goes on. Hell, I could write a descent blog about that.
But after extended discussion with family and friends, I think many will agree…
The character Paris, of the 2004 movie, “Troy”, was hands down…
The Most Pathetic Character In Movie History
Let me set the stage for you (we’ll exclude and bypass the poetry and original literature).
After Prince Hector (Eric Bana) of Troy successfully negotiates a peace agreement with Spartan King Menelaus (Brendan Gleeson), everyone enjoys a night of celebration. During this time, Hector’s brother Paris (Orlando Bloom) has been involved in an affair with Menelaus’ wife Helen (Diane Kruger), famously known throughout the lands for her exceptional beauty (this is where the term “the face that launched a thousand ships” originates).
After a discreet session of lovemaking, Helen tells Paris how much it will break her heart to see him leave, possibly to never return. He suggests that she leave with him and she asks him not to toy with her. He proudly proclaims: “We’ll never be safe. Men will hunt us, the gods will curse us, but I’ll love you. ‘Til the day they burn my body, I will love you…”
I sat there in the movie theater, thinking to myself, he’s talking an awful lot of trash. I hope he can back it up, cause Menelaus ain’t no punk…
…and Paris is more like Michael Jackson (talking to Paul McCartney in the 80s tune “The Girl Is Mine”): “I’m a lover, not a fighter.”
Back to my story.
The following day, on their return voyage to Troy, Hector discovers that Helen has stowed away on his ship, running away with Paris. Realizing that it is too late to turn back, Hector continues home to inform their father, King Priam and prepare for the arrival of an enraged Menelaus who reportedly brings “a thousand ships” to the shores of Troy (as literary history tells it).
Hoping to prevent a full-scale war, brought on by his selfishness and folly (at this point, Menelaus and Agamemnon have arrived and both armies are face to face, ready for battle outside the walls of Troy), Paris challenges Menelaus to a duel to the death, with Helen as the ultimate prize. Loser goes home.
Menelaus’ brother Agamemnon (Brian Cox) sees this as a perfect opportunity and plans to attack, the moment Menelaus kills Paris.
Well, the two square off and Paris fights his larger and exceptionally battle-seasoned opponent:
In front of Agamemnon.
In front of brother (Hector).
In front of the mighty Achilles.
In front of daddy (King Priam).
In front of all of Agamemnon’s armies.
In front of Priam’s armies.
In front of the home team (watching above).
In front of his dammmn “woman” (Helen).
During the battle Agamemnon laughs at Paris’ awkward fighting style (as Paris’ people are hopeful, knowing Las Vegas has given him underdog odds of 600-to-1).
To no one’s surprise, Menelaus eventually and seriously wounds Paris, cutting deeply into his leg, causing him to fall. Paris tries, weakly to fight back, but is punched in the mouth and knocked to the ground again. After retreating backwards a few steps, he looks up as Menelaus reaches back to deliver the killing stroke.
And Paris runs (rather CRAWLS) away, clinging to the leg of his big brother!
In front of Agamemnon.
In front of brother (Hector).
In front of the mighty Achilles.
In front of daddy (King Priam).
In front of all of Agamemnon’s armies.
In front of Priam’s armies.
In front of the home team (watching from above).
In front of his dammmn “woman” (Helen).
Menelaus looks up to his wife atop the walls (they got skybox seats) and yells, “Is THIS, who you left me for?!?!?”
Meanwhile, up above, Priam softly mutters for his son to fight back with dignity, even if it means death.
Menelaus then demands that big brother stand aside, warning he would kill him at his feet and that Paris was not worthy of royalty (he really wasn’t).
They continue to mix words…
…as Paris trembles below.
In front of Agamemnon.
In front of brother (Hector).
In front of the mighty Achilles.
In front of daddy (King Priam).
In front of all of Agamemnon’s armies.
In front of Priam’s armies.
In front of the home team (watching from the sky box).
In front of his dammmn “woman” (Helen).
So who wins? I think the better question is: Who saves the day?
Big brother Hector!
In front of Agamemnon.
In front of the mighty Achilles (Brad Pitt).
In front of daddy (King Priam).
In front of all of Agamemnon’s armies.
In front of Priam’s armies.
In front of the home team (watching from the sky box).
In front of Paris’ dammmn “woman” (Helen).
Of course, Agamemnon, consumed by shock, grief and rage at having witnessed his brother’s murder at the hands of Hector (who basically cheated), signals for the attack.
And the great Trojan War officially begins.
I could go on about the drama that unfolded throughout the movie, along with the epic battle scenes, but that’s not the issue here.
This is about punk-ass Paris, who stole a man’s woman, talked trash, got his brother, father and whole country involved…
…and ruined a nation.
In front of his woman…
The moral of the story? You choose…
Don’t start none, won’t be none.
You’ve got to bring ass to get ass.
Never let your mouth write a check that your behind can’t cash.
Here endeth the lesson.
What do you think? Is this indeed the most pathetic display in movie history? Or should someone else get the title? Leave a comment in the section below with your thoughts. And don’t forget to sign up at the bottom for email notification of future posts from Kenny’s Camera, Cooking & Crazy Confessions!
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