While we’re celebrating the month of Shocktober, let’s talk about how we see these horror movies, from our perspective. I mean, who hasn’t watched a scream scene and shaken their head in disgust saying, “that’s so stupid” or “they wouldn’t have killed ME! I would have…”
We all have our reasons and explanations as to why we would or wouldn’t survive a scary situation because we live or see things differently. Whether it’s physical conditioning, temperament or just possessing enough sense to not stick around the moment some strange voice warns, “Get Ouuuuuuut” from the shadows, we all know what we would do or how we would end up.
That being said, let’s review some movies or situations where I feel I would survive or be dead within seconds. And of course, HERE BE SPOILERS (and a few scary images)…
10 Horror Movies I Would Live/Die In
Description: Undead monster bites his/her victims, drinking draining their blood, most often converting them to vampires after they die.
Comment: DUDE. Personal Space! I ain’t lettin’ you get close enough to me with that hot, nasty ass breath. And if you DO bite me and suck my blood, you’ll be consulting a doctor for ways to control High Blood Pressure and Type 2 Diabetes. Good luck with that.
Verdict: Live (or Die with a vengeance).
Correction/Exception – Angela Bassett can bite me ANY day and drain me until I look like a California Raisin…
2. Zombies (Slow)
Comment: Let’s call it what it is. These guys are slow and stupid. They’re like goldfish: out of sight, out of mind. They have enough trouble trying to walk upright as it is. Trip one and it takes him 2 minutes to get up. I can power walk and get away from these guys.
Verdict: Live while laughing.
3. Zombies (Fast/Running)
Comment: Ok, this is a different scenario. The jokers run and I mean RUN. At FULL SPEED! And they don’t get tired! Your brain is supposed to register that your muscles are tired and your lungs are about to explode. Not these dudes. There’s no fully functional brain to send that message. And me? I’m 54 years old and overweight with two replaced knees.
Verdict: Die, out of breath.
4. A Nightmare On Elm Street / Freddy Krueger
Description: A dead serial killer comes back to haunt and kill people in their dreams.
Comment: Man, I have sleep apnea. I snore hard and stop breathing too frequently. You can’t kill me if I wake up choking every time you get close.
Result: Live (but very sleepy). Besides, I’m too old. He only kills teenagers.
5. Halloween / Michael Myers
Description: Psychotic, superhuman, unstoppable killer.
Comment: I’d like to say that I can outrun him, but this guy never tires and probably doesn’t sleep. And even if I COULD distance myself, this dude drove all the way to Haddonfield, Illinois, looking for his sister. DROVE. When and how did he learn how to drive in the insane asylum? He’s been there since he was FIVE!!
Result: Die. Not stabbed. Run over.
…and kudos to Busta Rhymes for being the first black man to ever fight a monster and live!
6. The Omen / Damien Thorne
Description: A couple’s newborn son is secretly murdered and switched at birth with the Antichrist.
Comment: Do you remember the scene when they took bad-ass little Damien to church, and he started acting up as the building came into view? This kid started screaming, scratching, farting and acting a damn fool; dogs were barking, monkeys freaking out at the zoo… They just gave up, turned around and took him home. My mother was raised southern Baptist. You GOIN’ to church. And be stupid enough to ride around my house on a tricycle. Ask my friends about my father…
Description: A house is inhabited/haunted by demonic ghosts.
Comment: Their daughter, Carol Anne sat and watched static on a television long after she should have been asleep. Next thing you know she’s missing and in the doggone TV. I have streaming services, cable and a Firestick. I watch TV damn near 20 hours a day.
Result: Dead (or missing) unless my screen is buffering. Then they can’t get to me.
8. The Exorcist
Description: The demon Pazuzu possesses a little girl.
Comment: Mess around an interrupt my parents’ dinner party if you want, peeing on yourself in front of everybody. I already told you about my mother and father. None of us ever had temper tantrums around them. You think demon possession gives you a pass in the Davis house??? Besides, I’ve already got a demon in me. That’s why everybody thinks I’m crazy and I won’t die in the movie “Bird Box”. No vacancies in this head.
9. Friday The 13th / Jason Voorhies
Description: A psychotic unkillable killer on a murder spree, primarily at camp, but eventually ventures out.
Comment: I’d like to say I’d escape this guy because he walks everywhere he goes. And last time I checked, unlike Michael Myers, he can’t drive. But I’ve seen him throw a flaming machete AND shoot a speargun at people with deadly accuracy.
Result: Die, with some strange object stuck in my right butt cheek.
10. The Ring
Description: Anyone who watches a cursed video tape dies at the hands of a demonic girl (dripping wet), 7 days after viewing it.
Comment: Oh, so YOU’RE the heifer that snatched Carol Anne in the TV back in 1982! You’re the reason my screen keeps buffering.
Result: SHE’S dead when my parents get home and see all that water on the carpet.
And that’s it! Got a movie you’d like to share where you already know your fate? Leave it in the Comment section below. And be sure to sign up at the bottom for email notification of future posts from Kenny’s Camera, Cooking & Crazy Confessions at ZootsBlogSpot!
Who knows, I may think up 10 more movies…
Update: I DID make a second list. Click here to read “10 MORE Horror Movies I Would Live/Die In”!
I can’t take NO MO!!! 😫
LikeLiked by 1 person
You’re gonna have to explain that one. LOL
This list is hysterical! Definitely do a part 2!
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It’s looking more and more like I will have to make a Part 2. Thanks for reading!