I told y’all I just might post a few more movies. Well, it seems some folks can’t wait until next year, so here we go again! If you’re just now finding out about it, last week I made a list of (click here to read) “10 Horror Movies I Would Live/Die In”. Mainly because we’re always talking about how that one scene/death wouldn’t happen to us because…
So here we go again. And of course, HERE BE SPOILERS…
10 MORE Horror Movies I Would Live/Die In
1. Paranormal Activity
Description: A demonic presence terrorizes people and families.
Comment: I remember that scene in the first movie when the evil apparition pulled Katie out of bed and dragged her down the hall. Ok, I’ll admit. That’s the first time I “almost” screamed out in a movie in decades. They got me. Anyway, drag ME down the hall? Do you know how much I WEIGH? They would find this demon in the corner, doubled over with torn pectoral muscles and a hernia, filing a Workers’ Comp claim and threatening to sue.
Result: Live (but irritated because in addition to my sleep apnea, you woke me up unnecessarily).
2. Child’s Play / Chuckie The Doll
Description: A doll, possessed by the soul of a serial killer wreaks havoc and tries to claim a child’s body for his own.
Comment: Back in the 70s, me and my brothers tore up more toys than Sid in “Toy Story”. Good luck in MY house. Besides, the minute that doll started acting up, my mother would have pulled that receipt out of her purse and taken him back to Kmart for a refund on her layaway purchase.
3. It / Pennywise The Clown
Description: A demon lures children to their death (The first died after being snatched in the sewer).
Comment: Uh, no. Stranger Danger.
Result: Live, with white clown make-up on the bottom of my right rain boot.
4. A Quiet Place / Don’t Breathe
Description: Two movies where you can be detected by making the slightest sound, thus resulting in your death.
Result: Die. I love cabbage and pork & beans.
Description: A space alien with the ability to cloak him himself, hunts for sport.
Comment: The predator only hunts those with weapons. If I had the slightest bulge in my jacket, I’d have a “Karen” calling the police on me long before the Predator ever got to me.
Result: Live, awaiting my court-appointed lawyer.
Additional Thought: You know what? Hunting people while invisible is about as brave as throwing chairs on people in the street below from the 132th floor. That’s a bitch move, you coward (I smell a new blog coming on…).
6. Bird Box
Description: An unknown presence drives people to suicide, once they gaze upon it.
Comment: The catch here is that the creature/spirit bypasses the mentally insane, ignoring them.
Result: Live. My family, friends and co-workers already think I’m crazy.
7. Candyman / Mary Lou / Bloody Mary
Urban Legend Description: Say any of their names multiple times and they come through your bathroom mirror and snatch you up or kill you.
Comment: I’m too busy brushing my teeth and putting in Visine to be talking to my mirror. And it’s already fogged up because my wife took a 45-minute shower, so they won’t see me anyway.
8. End Of Days
Description: A young virgin is chosen by Satan to conceive the Antichrist at midnight, going into the new millennium.
Result: N/A. Virgin? LMAO! No, but seriously. If the devil is coming to have sex with me, I’m in Sugar Daddy mode: “Look, Big Daddy, my rent is due, plus I need a Playstation 5, a Paramount Plus code, my refrigerator stocked, my fat reduced and muscles rebuilt… …and a new pair of rain boots!
Description: A St. Bernard contracts rabies and goes on a killing spree, eventually trapping a woman and child in their car with a dead alternator as they contend with him, dehydration and heatstroke.
Comment: The minute my dog starts acting up, I’m calling Animal Control. Off you go.
Result: Live. Even if I DIDN’T call, Karen is across the street, telling the police there is a rabid dog running around without a collar AND I broke into somebody’s car.
10. Ben / Willard / Graveyard Shift
Description: Mice, Rodents, Rats.
Comment: I don’t give a flying fur if young Michael Jackson made “Ben” adorable with his closing credits song. It falls right in there with the rest of those beady-eyed, hell-spawned bats without wings. I have a conditioned fear of them, and I don’t even like looking at them on the internet. The story, “Graveyard Shift” alone had me creeped out and my wife made it worse! When we were dating, she took off her fuzzy socks and balled them up, forgetting to remove them from the foot of the bed, under the covers. I had just finished reading the book and later ran my bare feet across them late at night. That scream woke the apartments on the next door tenants.
Result: Dead, dead, dead, with stark white hair, and loaded underwear.
And don’t even THINK about me posting a picture or gif of these vermin!!!
And that’s it! Got a movie you’d like to share where you already know your fate? Leave it in the Comment section below. And be sure to sign up at the bottom for email notification of future posts from Kenny’s Camera, Cooking & Crazy Confessions at ZootsBlogSpot!