Considering all that I have to say in this conclusion to Part 1: Blurring The Borders Of Reality, why don’t we just get right to it? If you haven’t the first part, click that link and do so (or not). Just know that we’re talking about these disillusioned fans who can’t seem to separate fiction from fact, holding actors and writers responsible for scripted work (ever see the movie “Misery”?).
This time around, I’m talking about the folks that pissed me off so badly that I wanted to strangle them in real life, which I have no intention of doing. But hey, kudos for their extraordinary performances. Anyway, here goes…
10 Movie/Television Roles That I Had To Forgive
Warning: Here Be Spoilers (skip the title if you’re afraid of learning too much, but know that they’re all over 3 years past)
1. John Turturro as Pino in “Do The Right Thing” (1989)
As Pino, the racist co-worker (who low-key idolizes Black, high-profile athletes and celebrities), his performance really had you believing that he hated working at his father’s pizzeria, which was located in the Bedford-Stuyvesant section of Brooklyn. It didn’t take long to understand that his indignation arose from being forced to work with his family in an area heavily populated by Latinos, Koreans and especially Blacks. He played his role so well that director Spike Lee’s sister, Joie refused to associate with him, even when the cameras WEREN’T rolling. And who could forget his memorable run-on insult directed to black co-worker Mookie (Lee) and African Americans in general: “You gold-teeth-gold-chain-wearin’, fried-chicken-and-biscuit-eatin’, monkey, ape, baboon, big thigh, fast-runnin’, high-jumpin’, spear-chuckin’, 360-degree-basketball-dunkin’ titsun spade Moulan Yan. Take your f**kin’ pizza-pizza and go the f**k back to Africa.”
2. William Atherton as News Reporter Thornberg in “Die Hard 1 & 2” (1988/1990)
In Die Hard, he blackmailed the McClane/Gennaro family housekeeper with the threat of deportation to gain access to the family home, exposing the hero and wife’s identity on the air to the film’s villain, placing them both in certain danger. In Die Hard 2, he submitted a live audio telecast about the terrorist situation, inciting a full-scale panic at the airport below and causing numerous injuries and damage. Is there any wonder why the audience roared with applause and cheering when he caught one in the nose at the end of the first movie (and got tasered in the sequel)?
3. Jon Cryer as Alan Harper in “Two And A Half Men” (2003-2015)
This is the leech of all leeches. His brother Charlie (Charlie Sheen) was kind enough to take Alan and his son into his two bedroom bachelor apartment after an ugly house-losing divorce. Not only did his “only going to be here for a few days” stay last over 10 years, but when Charlie died, Alan’s parasitical habits transferred the “burden of being a gracious host” to the new owner, multi-millionaire Walden Schmidt (Ashton Kutcher). His pathetic antics were funny for the first few seasons but as the series bled on, he became increasingly annoying, then downright infuriating. This is a man who went with his brother to the movies, conveniently forgot his wallet, then tacked on another $20 worth of goodies after Charlie begrudgingly offered to pay for the night out.
4. Faye Dunaway as Joan Crawford in “Mommy Dearest” (1981)
Taking your adopted son and daughter’s Christmas toys away and donating them to charity (allowing them to keep one each), making your daughter sit at the table until her dinner is finished, then ultimately making her eat it for breakfast, well, that’s understandable in some situations. But beating your child with a wire hanger for using it in the closet, then a can of Ajax over an uncleaned, yet clean, floor – this is where the term “Psycho Mom” comes into play. Then, taking over your daughter’s obviously young adult role in a soap opera when she is too weak to perform? Can you say, “foul”? Faye Dunaway had people afraid in real life after that role. And to leave her movie children absolutely nothing in her Will… You know it’s convincing when a posthumous “last laugh” makes you hate an actress even more.
5. Michelle Trachtenberg as Dawn Summers on Buffy The Vampire Slayer (1997-2003)
This child worked my last nerve as the whiny, not-human-to-begin-with, little sister of the show’s star, Buffy. Literally appearing out of nowhere, this girl got in the way of just about EVERYTHING. Her most irritating moment? Ok, traditional vampire lore teaches that a vampire cannot enter someone’s home without first being invited by the owner(s) right? Well, in one scene, the good guys and gals stood securely in the doorway as the vampires angrily congregated outside. After receiving a threat from the vampires, Dingbat, I mean Dawn, snapped, “Why don’t you come in here and say that!”
6. Chris Pratt as Peter Quill in “Avengers: Infinity War” (2018)
Everybody remembers what happened. Mantis, Spider-Man, Dr. Strange, Drax and Iron Man all had Thanos in a near quasi-conscious state and at the bottom center of a standing monkey pile. Collectively, they were seconds away from removing the gauntlet, laced with the all-powerful Infinity Stones. Doing so would win the day and ultimately, the battle AND war (ending the movie on an uplifting good guys win note). That is until Quill, in a fit of rage (and uninvolved with the Tug-Of-War) lost his composure and struck Thanos repeatedly at the news of Gamora’s death. Quills actions knocked Thanos out of his trance-like state, resulting in Thanos’ full recovery and subsequent overpowering of our heroes. After their defeat, Thanos teleported to the battle in progress on Earth in Wakanda, obtained the final Infinity Stone after killing Vision and kept his initial promise: He literally snapped half of the universe’s population into non-existence then left for an unknown location on another planet. And just like The Empire Strikes Back, the bad guys one. I tell you, there was nothing funnier than the boo’s Quill received when he appeared amidst all of the previously erased characters who returned for the climactic battle in the sequel.
And from what I hear, Chris Pratt caught hell in the interim because folks wished he had stayed dead.
7. Danny Glover as Mistah in “The Color Purple” (1985)
I’m honestly surprised that Hollywood cast Glover in ANY roles after his portrayal of child-marrying, sexually-, emotionally- and physically abusive husband “Mistah”. He married homely young Celie (Desreta Jackson / Whoopi Goldberg) because her father wouldn’t let him have his more attractive daughter Nettie (he kept her home because he had his own libidinous intentions for her). Mistah eventually took Nettie in after she ran away to avoid her father’s repeated advances, then attempted to rape her shortly after, failing after she hit him in that special place with her school books and scurried away in panic. In retaliation, he ran her off of his property and then hid all incoming mail from her, addressed to Celie, lying that nothing had come for her. It was quite difficult for me to accept him as a loving husband, father and buddy cop in Lethal Weapon, two years later. He probably wasn’t too welcome around Girl Scout meetings either.
8. J.K. Simmons as Vern Schillinger in “Oz” (1997-2003)
This cold, calculating, seemingly un-killable leader of the Aryan Brotherhood succeeded in making people cringe with anger with just about every scene in which he appeared. His hatred for the “n-word” prisoners was epic, but his treatment of ignorant, innocent new prisoner/”Prag” Tobias Beecher was just flat-out deplorable. From burning a swastika insignia on Beecher’s butt cheek to making him dress as a woman and sing during the prison talent show, Schillinger’s evil appeared limitless. Add on the repeated rapes and eventual breaking of BOTH Beecher’s arms AND legs after getting another prisoner to befriend and betray him, Vern Schillinger definitely gets the IN-Humanitarian award. When I later learned that he was to play J. Jonah Jameson in Spider-Man, my response was “Oh, HELLLLL no!” Little did I know, he’d slay that role too.
9. Michael Emerson as Benjamin Linus in Lost (2004-2010)
I swear, every time he popped his peanut head up on my tv screen or out of the bushes, my blood boiled. I can’t think of a show’s antagonist that I wanted to strangle more than him. He caused more problems for the “Lost” crew than I thought imaginable and every time he faced death, he weaseled his way out with some, “If you kill me, you’ll never find out the truth” warning. When they had the opportunity, they couldn’t torture him for me. I fear that if I ever meet him in real life, I might throw a pillowcase over his head, kidnap him and torture him some more! Woooosaaahhhhhh… I gotz ta chill because I said I would never hurt anyone at the beginning of this piece.
10. Jon Tenney as County Sheriff Johnny Behan in “Tombstone” (1993)
This character put the “C” in COWARD and the “H” in HATER! He couldn’t stand the fact that traveling performer Josephine was enamored with Wyatt Earp and quickly made it known that Wyatt was married. He refused to get involved when Curly Bill was shooting up the town while high on opium, citing it as a town matter and out of his jurisdiction (soon after, Curly accidently killed the sheriff while under the influence and was thrown in jail by Wyatt). He lied about disarming several of the members of the outlaw, red sash-wearing gang, the “Cowboys” before the legendary gunfight at the OK Corral. Once the fight ensued, he hid in the nearby building with Josephine, then allowed Ike Clanton to take his gun during the shootout. Once it was over, he boldly stepped into the street and told Wyatt and his lawmen that they were under arrest (he failed to arrest them). When Josephine emerged, gazing at Wyatt in arousal, awe and admiration, Behan quickly spirited her off. He even went so far as to withholding information about the Cowboys’ plan to assassinate the Earp crew, only informing Josephine that she would be “glad to know” that soon only he would be in charge of Tombstone.
Dude was a conniving, jealous, cowardice, opportunist who reminded me of someone from my past who tried his best to form a wedge between me and the girl who eventually ended up breaking my heart. I later learned that he did indeed play a small part in our end.
You know what? On second thought, I WILL seek out Jon Tenney, along with my own personal weasel (who shall remain nameless) and beat the snake spit out of them!
DAMN that “woosah” nonsense…
Anyway, that’s it. I’ll leave you to your day while I go pop in the Tombstone Blu-Ray disc and load my great-great grandfather’s Civil War pistol.
Thanks for reading!
Like what you read? What are some movie/tv roles that drove you crazy? Share your thoughts in the Comments section below and be sure to sign up for the Email distribution list at the bottom for first notification of future madness from Kenny’s Camera, Cooking & Crazy Confessions!