10 Things I Promise To Do If Elected President

Vote for me. That’s it. Vote for me.

I’ve decided to throw my hat in the ring for the position of Commander-In-Chief. POTUS. Numero Uno. The Big Dog. Head Honcho. Why? Because year after year, decade after decade, the candidates never seem to address, or act on, the REAL issues. What’s most important to you and me.

It’s too late to jump in the debates, so I’m simply going to tell you what I’m going to do if you put me in office. Keep in mind, some of these items are repeats of things I’ve said in previous rants in my blogs (I have created links if you’d like more information).

Let’s get to it, shall we? Election Day is around the corner and you need to know my campaign promises ASAP.

10 Things I Promise To Do If Elected President

1. If elected, I will equip all automobiles with bumper car bumpers and make it legal for you to push any car out of the way that doesn’t move within 5 seconds of the light turning green.

Let’s be real. No one likes missing an opportunity to turn left because the cars ahead at the intersection began their turns too late. Most often, it’s because some idiot was on their smartphone and forgot that they weren’t at home. Yes, it is near impossible to read your phone and look up in time to see the light change.

So, If you take too long, it will be permissible for someone to push you out into the intersection, and you will have to pay your own medical fees for whiplash, out of pocket. Same goes for the cracked phone repair because you dropped your phone and it hit the gear shift. That’ll teach ya.

Wait. Scratch that. Let’s all just drive bumper cars and bump each other for any and everything that would lead to road rage.

2. All medical evaluations are free.

It’s simple. I’m tired of doctors assuming that I have something (that I don’t), then sending me to another physician or lab for testing and confirmation. Then I have to return to the original doctor to talk about it. Everybody is getting paid except me because I’m missing work!

If elected, you will not be charged unless they actually find something. And it has to be what the original physician guessed. If it’s something else, you will only be charged if you choose to treat it. And don’t worry. If you work 40 hours a week, have 95% attendance, are never late and mind your own damn business while on the clock, you get 100% medical and dental.

3. If elected, I promise to deport anyone who tells someone of another race to “Go back to (fill in the continent/country)”.

Nothing gets my goat more than an entitled bigot who tells someone of another race or religion that they don’t belong here.  Last I checked, EVERYBODY came here by plane or boat (many, involuntarily).  And the true “natives” of this country? They’ve been long since run off of their own land to live on reservations, treated like second-class citizens.  If anybody has the right to say “GTFO”, it’s them.

So, if any of you think the way to “Make America Great” is by belittling, harassing and chasing people of other cultures off, PACK YOUR BAGS.  You’re on the next vessel out (notice I didn’t say “flight”?).  In fact, never mind the bags because there ain’t enough room for that.  You’ll be cold-packed and shipped with your racist friends, laying on your backs and sides like the enslaved were when they were brought here.

Just pack your deodorant and mouthwash…

4. You will be repositioned in line (shopping and ordering food) if you take too long to decide.

That’s right. Anyone taking longer than 10 seconds to begin their order, will be moved back two places in line. There is no reason for you to stand in a continuously moving line that long, looking at the overhead menu the entire time, then have no idea what you want once you get to the front.

And if you were on the phone during that time in line or get on it to call someone for their order when you get to the front, guess who’s moving to the BACK of the line?

By the same token, anyone paying by check and waiting until they hear the total BEFORE taking their checkbook out is moving back as well. That check should have been produced and halfway written out before you even reached the register.

And if you argue with or harass the person at the register, you’re getting kicked out, without your purchase.

5. Banishment for ruining the movie.

Anyone who reveals a movie’s ending or any other scene while in the theater or in the parking lot will be banished from theaters for 3 years. I will have you injected with a proximity chip that will identify you if you enter either area during that time.

Now, some of you say that you don’t go to movies anymore and stream your entertainment. If you do it in that environment, that same chip will render any streaming service inert if you are within 100 yards of viewing it. That’s right, your family is going to kick you out of the house just so they can watch their shows.

Don’t like it? Shut up.

6. A two-week notification for self-termination is no longer required.

If employers don’t have to give you two week’s notice when they fire you, why should you have to give notice that you’re leaving? That is, of course, as long as it’s not for an intolerable violation. I’ll leave that to the companies to determine.

In fairness, if they need you to give notice so they can properly recruit, hire and train a replacement, then you are encouraged to give two week’s notice (if they’re been a good employer). But I don’t think you’d mind if you were happy there and just want a career change.

That being said, employers that require you to give notice must equally notify you one month in advance for downsizing. Dropping the bomb on people who have been doing their job to the company’s satisfaction sucks and I won’t have it.

7. If elected president, all fast food restaurants that serve shakes will be required to give you your order for free if their machine is down. It’s gotten to the point where, depending on the time of the evening, I can tell you which places to avoid because their shake machine is down.

Yes, I know that breaking the machine down to clean it is laborious and hated by most. I also know that some of these lazy cretins are flat-out lying.

But hey, if you don’t want to clean it after hours, say that shakes and ice cream are only served before “x” hour. It’s like businesses in general: Operational hours means from open until close. No closing up or refusing customers at 15 minutes ’til.

And no, there is no other acceptable excuse. Dairy Queen has never, EVER, told me that their shake machine was down. Props to DQ along with all other restaurants and employees who really do care about customer service and satisfaction.

8. Vote for me if you want 10% off on the groceries you have to buy in self checkout. There is no reason why grocery stores cannot staff people at the registers. I should not have to walk through your store, selecting my groceries, loading the cart, then charging myself and bagging my own stuff. Cashiers not only ring them up faster, but they (supposedly) know the weekly deals and how to code them, especially produce and coupons. If stores are saving money by reducing employees, you should be able to save a little money doing their jobs! So yeah, all grocery items are 10% off.

9. Christmas Season will NOT be celebrated or acknowledged until the day after Thanksgiving.

I don’t care how much I love Christmas. I don’t want Santa interrupting my chance to enjoy Halloween candy or blocking the path to my Thanksgiving grocery sales.

You read that right. No stores will be permitted to offer any Christmas items. No commercials will be allowed to air on television. No Christmas music will be played on any station. No one will be allowed to wear those ugly Christmas sweaters with epileptic seizure inducing flashing lights. In fact, anyone caught humming “All I Want For Christmas Is You” or any other Christmas tune will be forced to pay full price for any and all items during the entire Christmas shopping season.

And while we’re on the subject of Christmas, Black Friday is going back to 6 a.m. I remember being in line all night at Circuit City one year (remember that place?) on an unseasonably cold night. I, along with the other shoppers, was dressed appropriately and having a good time laughing, joking and getting to know one-another. That was until we heard a baby crying further down the line. That child cried for hours as we begged that woman to take the child home. So no one under 18 will be allowed to stand in line BEFORE 6 a.m. either.

10. Finally, ALL sports events will be available for viewing as part of your ONE streaming service subscription of choice.

Once upon a time, if I wanted to watch a football game, all I had to do was turn to CBS, ABC or NBC. Having to turn to Fox Television was fine as well, when it came along. But then all of a sudden I found that it wasn’t enough to watch Monday Night Football. To quote candidate George H. W. Bush at the 1988 Republican National Convention, “Read my lips. No multiple subscriptions!” Did I get that right? Oh well. My promise remains the same.

You should not be required to get ESPN, ESPN Network, Peacock, Amazon Prime and all of those other costly services just to watch a simple Monday, Thursday or Sunday night game.

So, if you purchase a membership, all games will be aired on that service. This includes championship games, the World Cup and the Olympics. On Demand!!!

You know what? Let’s take this one a step further as well. That same service will contain all new movies and television shows. Paying for a service just to see one doggone show is ridiculous.

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Bonus Promise: Any and all local elections during my presidency will only allow two weeks of online debates and discussions. No cursing, disrespecting fighting, slander, harassment or bullying will be permitted.

Once the elections are over (pay close attention) anyone who did not vote will not be permitted to complain about the administration of the winner. You don’t vote, you don’t get a say…

So no more online wars during election season. You guys ruined my Olympics with all that political fighting…

…which I had to watch on Peacock while being inundated with early Christmas shopping commercials from Target, nursing my back from an accident, having rammed into someone at the intersection for taking too long to turn…

…and my doctor decided to send me for a diabetes screening for said back injury.

I have other practices and attitudes that get on my nerves, so it’s highly likely that during my presidency I’ll be acting on other things people do that prove that this world needs an enema. So be ready for change!

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And that’s it. What do you think? Do I have your vote? Leave a comment in the section below or just tell me what you’d like me to do in addition to these things if I become President. Those of you who know me and leave comments without a name, let me know who you are so I can give you proper love.

And be sure to sign up at the bottom to receive email notifications of new blog posts from Kenny’s Camera, Cooking & Crazy Confessions at ZootsBlogSpot!

My name is Kenny Davis and I’ll be representing the “House Party”! Vote for me for President.

If not for me, get out there and vote, period.