There was a time when going to the grocery store late at night simply meant fewer people in line and a little peace and quiet while you picked up bread, milk, cereal, and whatever else you forgot during the day. At least that’s what I thought. But somewhere along the line, retail stores, especially Walmart (yeah, I said it), evolved into something completely different. They became theaters. Not movie theaters, mind you. More like unscripted reality television mixed with live improv comedy, graphic romance, occasional violence, and enough strange behavior to make you wonder if the moon has a direct gravitational pull on human common sense.
I first noticed this phenomenon sometime during my college years in the late 1980s, while living in Tallahassee, Florida. I had gone to Albertsons late one evening to pick up a few quick grocery items. Even though it was nighttime, I still believed people dressed appropriately to go into public establishments. Apparently, I was the only one operating under that assumption. That was when I saw two girls, presumably from Florida State University, casually walking through the store in pajamas and bedroom slippers.
Now, understand, this was the late ’80s. Seeing that back then was bizarre to me. Growing up, shopping only happened with my mother during daytime hours. But this was a new world…college town. Today? Nobody would even bat an eye. In fact, if someone walked into Walmart today wearing actual clothing from a department store, people might ask if they were attending a funeral afterward or headed for a job interview.
At the time, though, it felt strange. Little did I know I was witnessing the beginning of what would become the standard operating procedure for late-night shopping. Then again, this might have been the way for years before I ever saw it. Somewhere along the line, people collectively decided that if the store stayed open late, then all social contracts disappeared with the sunset.
And honestly, it’s not just the attire.
Something happens to human behavior when the moon comes out. Not even a full moon. Just nighttime in general. People stop acting like customers and start acting like background characters in a low-budget sitcom. If you search online today, you’ll find entire websites dedicated to the strange things people wear in Walmart and the bizarre things people do while shopping there. But long before social media started documenting it, I was already seeing it firsthand.
So allow me to share a few tales from the retail jungle.
Retail Re-Tales: All the World’s a Stage -aka- I Was a Private Investigator (For a Day)
The Walmart Wing Buffet
I’m going to call out my friend Steve by name because, although I usually say that names and places have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent, Steve deserves to be publicly placed on Blast Avenue.
He’s my best friend. He’ll get over it…
Back in the early 2000s, shortly after getting to know him, my wife and I ran into Steve and his wife in Walmart. Of course, we stopped to hug and strike up a conversation. But before we could even get into the usual “How have y’all been doing?” routine, my attention immediately shifted to what was happening in his shopping cart.
Now, growing up, my mother occasionally opened packages of cookies while shopping. If we behaved ourselves and remained patient, she’d let us eat one or two cookies while we walked through the store. Or three, or four. Then, when we reached the checkout line, she’d hand the cashier the package, sometimes nearly empty, and pay for it with everything else. That wasn’t uncommon.
I’ve also seen people finish food in the store and leave the empty package hidden somewhere in the aisle like a retail crime scene. We’ve all seen that.
But Steve took things to another level entirely.
Dude wasn’t snacking. He was dining.
Sitting on top of the shopping cart was a full deli setup from Walmart. Hot wings. Open containers. Paper plates. Napkins. Plastic forks. A 2-liter of Grape Pop (not “soda”). He had turned the cart into a mobile restaurant table. We’re not talking about a bag of chips or cookies here. This was hot deli food.
I stood there staring in disbelief while he casually munched on wings in the middle of Walmart like he was attending a family barbecue.
When I asked him about it, he looked at me completely unfazed and simply said, “Hey, I wanted some wings.”
I jokingly replied that I was surprised he didn’t have any hot sauce.
Spoke too soon.
Before I could even finish the sentence, Steve reached down in the basket, grabbed a bottle of hot sauce, unscrewed it right there on the spot, and started pouring it on the wing he was holding for his next bite.
At that point, all I could do was laugh. This man was committed to the experience. I think the other description of it is “being ghetto.”
And honestly, that’s Walmart in a nutshell.
The Senior Citizen Smackdown
One thing we’ve all come to associate with retail shopping, especially during sales events and holidays, is violence. Whether it’s Black Friday madness or two people arguing over the last bag of Skittles, people lose their minds in stores every year. Social media is filled with videos of customers fighting over products, as if the apocalypse has arrived and the final bottle of Sweet Baby Ray’s barbecue sauce determines survival.
But none of those compare to what I witnessed one afternoon in a parking lot.
Two elderly women were fighting.
And when I say elderly, I mean elderly. Like when God said, “Let there be light,” one of these ladies hit the switch.
These women had to be over seventy years old, and they were on the ground in the parking lot throwing hands like they were settling unfinished business from 1954.
People had gathered around watching in disbelief. Honestly, I didn’t know whether I should intervene or pull up a chair and eat some of Steve’s wings. Whatever the disagreement was, these women were absolutely committed to it.
To this day, I have no idea what caused the altercation, but in my mind, somebody probably grabbed the last package of strawberry Jell-O and the other woman simply decided she wasn’t going home empty-handed.
I considered breaking it up, but then I thought better of it. Stuff like that is beyond your pay grade. I didn’t want to know how it started. I didn’t want to know how it ended. Some things are best left alone.
Besides, I figured eventually somebody would separate them or both ladies would simply fall asleep because it was nap time.
Either way, I kept walking.
The WWE Comes to Sam’s Club
Now, before I continue, I think it’s important for all of you to understand something.
I ain’t no saint.
I’ve done my share of ridiculous things too.
Like riding in the Walmart assistance cart and jousting with unsuspecting people with my walking cane after surgery.
Like I said, I ain’t no saint.
In fact, some of you probably read my story about the movie theater prank gone horribly wrong. If not, we’ll save that tale for another day.
But ghetto as I am, even I have limits.
Lately there’s been this trend online where people stage fake fights in stores for social media views. At first glance it looks real, but after a few seconds you realize these people are basically filming low-budget wrestling matches inside retail stores.
One video in particular absolutely blew my mind.
Two guys started fake fighting inside Sam’s Club, but instead of stopping at pushing and shoving, they escalated into full professional wrestling mode. I’m talking dramatic slams, exaggerated punches, kicks, and what appeared to be actual finishing moves.
Then one of them climbed on top of stacked food packages like he was preparing for a pay-per-view event and launched himself onto the other guy.
But the moment that truly sent me over the edge was when one of them grabbed a gallon of milk, drank directly from it, and then poured the remaining milk all over the other person.
Now listen, I understand harmless humor every now and then. But some things are simply ridiculous. Again, I say, “ghetto.”
Retail stores have become giant stages, and apparently everyone walking through those doors believes they’re auditioning for their own reality show.
The Civic Duty
For my final tale, and yes, every one of these stories could probably be their own blog, we travel back to the late 1990s in Frederick, Maryland, at a store called Ames.
I was sitting in the parking lot when suddenly I saw several individuals sprinting out of the store pushing completely full shopping carts. Nothing was bagged. Nothing was concealed. This wasn’t subtle shoplifting. This was grand theft retail.
Cars were waiting outside with trunks already open. The thieves shoved the merchandise inside and sped off.
Now me personally, I decided to perform what I considered my civic duty.
I quickly grabbed a pen and wrote down two of the license plate numbers.
I know. I know.
“Snitches get stitches.”
But seriously: if these people steal all the first-aid supplies, how exactly am I supposed to receive those stitches anyway?
Anyway, one car managed to get away before I finished writing, so naturally, I followed the third vehicle from a distance like I was suddenly starring in my own low-budget detective movie. When they stopped at a red light, I wrote down the final plate number, then calmly drove back to the store and handed all the information over to the manager, who was happy as hell for the 411.
Dude could have given me some free groceries or sum’n though…
Now look, I understand there are times when desperate people do desperate things. Sometimes people steal necessities for children or families, and while it’s still wrong, at least you understand the motivation.
But this situation was different. These people were stealing high-priced, non-essential items in bulk, and when stores take losses like that, prices go up for everybody else.
That affects all of us.
And yes, I realize some of you probably think I should have minded my business.
But like I said before, I was simply performing a civic duty.
I mean, at the end of the day, that’s not fair to any of us. When they steal, it’s village raiding. When I steal, we’re talking a Best Buy tablet, or a herringbone necklace with a cross on it from a jewelry store. Cause I’m a Christian. And stealing all that stuff? All at ONCE? It’s just wrong. Wrong.
Yeah, sin is sin. But they did a LOT of it. And that ain’t me…
This has been another Retail Re-Tale.
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